While researching “SIMPSONS ALUMNI UPDATE 2010,” I learned that former Simpsons writer Dana Gould used the pseudonym “Lawrence Talbot” on the “Simpsons Go To China” episode where Aunt Selma buys a Chinese baby who has never been mentioned since. Gould’s use of a pseudonym struck me as peculiar: was it because of some legal thing? Could it be that a writer who started in the post-funny era could actually be so ashamed of his work that he would want to distance himself from it? What’s the point of using a pseudonym when the genuinym is so easily findable on the Internet?
Now, IN THE NEWS is a Very Serious News Organization that takes great pride in its journalistic integrity – here is my real, actual, not-making-this-up press badge – and so, for answers, I went straight to the source: the only e-mail address I could find on his website.
Date: Sat, Mar 20, 2010
Subj: lawrence talbot
dear mr. gould
i have a press inquiry: why did u use a pseudonym for the simpsons episode “goo goo gai pan”? or is wikipedia got it’s facts wrong.
urs in christ,
I got no response. OK, whatever, this probably happens to Morley Safer all the time. Undeterred, I sent a second inquiry, this time with all the respectability I could summon.
Date: Thu, Apr 8, 2010
Subj: press inquiry
Dear Sir Or Madam Whom It May Concern:
On the 20th of March I sent a press inquiry to this address, which as of this writing has not garnered a reply. I shall rephrase and repeat the question in hopes of an answer: why did Mr. Gould choose to use the pseudonym “Lawrence Talbot” for the The Simpsons episode entitled “Goo Goo Gai Pan” (production code #GABF06, original airdate 13 March 2005)?
I am an important member of The Press and I will not rest until I get an answer. A simple “no comment” will suffice. You may answer “off the record” if that is more palatable to you.
Yours in Christ,
Head Journalist, IN THE NEWS
Then I sort of forgot about this whole thing for a while, but then I remembered about it and I got mad. I was through playing games. It was time for answers!
Date: Fri, Apr 23, 2010
I’ve had it!!! Twice I have e-mailed this address for a simple answer as to why Dana Gould used the pseudonym Lawrence Talbot, and I STILL have gotten no response! WHAT ARE YOU HIDING, DANA GOULD? If I don’t get a response by April 30th, I will have no choice but to go public with unfounded rumours and speculation about Mr. Gould. YOU CANNOT HIDE FROM THE PRESS.
Needless to say, I still have yet to receive a response from Mr. Gould or his associates.
So why is this guy, Dana Gould, hiding behind a fake name and stonewalling the fourth estate? Here are my theories:
- Dana Gould murdered a teenage girl during a trip to China
- Dana Gould shot up an entire orphanage
- Dana Gould was fired from Fox because of his rampant drug abuse
- Dana Gould is the reason The Simpsons is so bad now
- Dana Gould was ashamed of his name after discovering it is an anagram for “analog dud”
- Dana Gould was incarcerated at the time (prisoners are not allowed to write for TV)
- Dana Gould is a deadbeat dad attempting to hide his TV revenue from his ex-wife
- Dana Gould was in possession of evidence that could have brought down the Bush Administration
- Dana Gould was put into witness protection after seeing a mafia guy kill a dude
- Dana Gould’s body is the current soul vessel for the entity once known as “Andy Kaufman”
No denials as of yet… hmmm….