NOISELAND ARCADE

An image of Activision Blizzard's marquee franchises, with the cover of Simpsons Wrestling crudely replacing Diablo.

Activision’s The Simpsons Wrestling, long considered one of the worst Simpsons video games if not video games period, could have a second life thanks to Microsoft’s pending acquisition of its parent company.

Theoretically, the 2001 PlayStation-exclusive game could be ported over to Xbox and released on the Game Pass subscription service, giving a new generation of gamers the chance to have Groundskeeper Willie wail on Lisa Simpson.

Pure poppycock, you say? Consider this: last year saw the surprise return of Konami’s 1991 Simpsons arcade game in the form of an arcade cabinet replica, so who’s to say Simpsons Wrestling isn’t due for a nostalgic revival? Secondly, Microsoft isn’t spending $68.7 billion to not release games, are they?

That said, if they were to port the game, why not use the opportunity to remake it from the ground up? What if Disney teamed up with Activision Blizzard to completely reimagine Simpsons Wrestling as a platform fighting game with a huge roster of Simpsons characters to compete with Super Smash Bros., Nickelodeon All-Star Brawl, and Warner Bros.’ upcoming Multiversus? The Simpsons has been AWOL from console games for years – a Smash clone would be a great way to herald a new era of Simpsons games.

Of course, Activision’s Simpsons license probably expired years ago, EA being the game’s publisher in international markets could cause some legal headaches, and there’s a slight chance so-called “President” Biden’s cronies in the FTC might not even approve the deal in the first place. But a gamer can dream…

RDRR REPORT

An image of characters from Star Trek: Prodigy admiring floor pie.

In the opening moments of the latest episode of Star Trek: Prodigy, the characters experiment with transporting a piece of pie throughout the USS Protostar, leading Jason Mantzoukas’s character Jankom Pog to remark “Mmm, floor pie,” a clear reference to a classic Simpsons moment (also, a clear ADR line). The Simpsons, of course, has made hundreds if not thousands of references to Star Trek over the decades, but as far as I know (which is admittedly very little, as I’m not a big Trek fan and am mostly just cribbing from Memory Alpha) this is the first time the latter franchise has reciprocated. Which made me start to wonder: does The Simpsons exist in the Star Trek universe?

Just to be clear, there is zero possibility Jankom Pog was consciously quoting an Earth TV show that theoretically would’ve premiered nearly four centuries prior to his birth, especially considering the first human he’s ever seen is a hologram of Captain Janeway. That doesn’t necessarily mean the show didn’t exist. If it did, though, it raises all sorts of questions:

Was the team at Gracie Films still cranking out classics like “Kamp Krusty” as the Eugenics Wars ravaged the globe? Did The Simpsons serve as a form of escapism for audiences in the relatively unaffected United States? Would vacation episodes still be as common with much of the world controlled by genetically engineered despots? Were people quoting their favorite Homer lines as they attempted to flee The Augments? Would it still be possible for Bill Oakley to write the “Steamed Hams” segment, knowing full well that 35 million people were being killed in a massive international conflict? Was production halted at the South Korean animation studio Akom when Khan Noonien Singh conquered Asia, or did he allow them to continue? Was he, perhaps, a fan of the show? What about Marla McGivers, the Enterprise’s historian from the 1967 episode “Space Seed” – does her 1990s expertise include Bartmania? If the show did exist, would it still be considered an exemplary work of art by surviving TV critics? Would it still be revered as such in the age of the Federation? Could the Holodeck feature a Simpsons program alongside programs based on Sherlock Holmes and Jane Eyre?

Given that Star Trek and The Simpsons are owned by separate media conglomerates, it is unlikely that we will ever receive an official, canonical answer. But’s it’s certainly something to think about.

ANIMOTION MACHINE, BIZZFAD

An image of Harry Potter wearing The Sorting Hat in front of a Simpsons timing sheet.

Being an animation timer is a skilled job that requires a lot of technical wizardry. What if they actually were wizards??? Just for fun, we decided to sort various Simpsons animation timers from past and present into their appropriate houses of Hogwarts, the wizarding school from the Harry Potter series.

Milton Gray is extremely knowledgeable about the animation medium. Check out this post he wrote on the art of timing, or this essay about Bob Clampett. Also, his last name is Gray and the ghost of Hogwarts co-founder Helena Ravenclaw was known as The Grey Lady. Clearly, he’d be right at home in Ravenclaw.

Neil Affleck starred in the cult slasher flick My Bloody Valentine and without getting into spoilers let’s just say he’s capable of getting into a Slytherin mindset.

Cyndi Tang directed multiple episodes of King of the Hill. King of the Hill takes place in Texas. Texas is considered a red state. Red is one of the house colors of Gryffindor.

Chuck Sheetz made a guide on how to use exposure sheets to help his fellow timers. Such helpfulness is characteristic of a Hufflepuff.

Tim Bailey has worn many hats in the animation department. He can fearlessly take on any task you throw at him, exhibiting the bravery of a Gryffindor.

Carlton Batten is a Florida Gators fan. Alligators are reptiles. Serpents are also reptiles. Serpents are strongly associated with Slytherin.

Dean Bauer is credited as the animation timer on “A Tale of Two Springfields,” which features Homer dealing with a badger. Badgers are a symbol of Hufflepuff.

Andi Klein-Roane is a practitioner of Equine-Facilitated Learning, an experiential and hands-on approach to learning that utilizes the wisdom of horses. Dedication to the pursuit of wisdom is prized amongst those in Ravenclaw.

Richard Gasparian had to wait 30 years to release his horror film, Housesitter: The Night They Saved Siegfried’s Brain. Patience is valued by those in Hufflepuff.

Karen Carnegie Johnson is the former president of The Animation Guild and a member of the executive board. Standing up to the animation studios in support of labor rights exhibits the courage and determination that characterizes a Gryffindor.

Acacia Caputo‘s name anagrams to “Accio UTA cap,” a summoning charm for a University of Texas at Arlington baseball cap. Anagrams are strongly associated with Lord Voldemort, a descendent of Salazar Slytherin.

Hunilla Fodor has a “vast knowledge of the animation pipeline” according to producer Anthony Lioi, making her a suitable candidate for Ravenclaw.