*spins around in chair to face reader* Oh, hello! I just got off the telegraph with a trusted, completely anonymous tipster, who resides at 271 Orange Grove Ave. in Burbank, CA, who has once again risked life and limb to bring us more EXCLUSIVE Simpsons tidbits that the shiftless layabouts at Entertainment Weekly still haven’t gotten their grubby meathooks on yet. Below, please find enclosed four exclusive, never-before-seen episode synopsi, reprinted in their entirety…
Dear Mr. Cat,
After the, er, unpleasantness of the last season, I am pleased to report that The Simpsons, America’s Only Family™, are back and better than ever! Just take a look at some of the completely original and organic episodes we have lined up for Season Twenty-Can-Ya-Believe-It-I-Sure-Can’t-Four:
PICK-UP BARTIST
After being humiliated by a vacuous woman during a family trip to the Hoover Dam, Bart learns seduction techniques from famed pick-up artist Mystery (appearing as himself) and uses them to “game” one of the interchangeable guest stars from recent years. Guest starring Zooey Deschanel or Natalie Portman or maybe Anne Hathaway, who remembers, it really doesn’t matter.
MY LITTLE (ANNOYED GRUNT)NEY
Homer inexplicably becomes obsessed with Lisa’s favorite TV show, leading her to uncover a conspiracy of repulsive sexual deviants using mind control to “de-testeronize” American men. Guest starring Kelsey Grammer and Steve Gutenberg.HELLO, MY NAME IS HOMER, AND IAMA SIMPSON
Homer’s drunken antics during a Mary Bailey for Governor rally go viral, encouraging him to build his social media brand. Yet when Homer’s Twitter hashtag comes under attack from George Soros-funded trolls, will Lisa be able to rescue her father’s Klout score in time? Guest starring Greg W. Howard and Andrew Breitbart (posthumously).CHARMY MAN
When “Bob’s Burgers” takes over “The Simpsons'” timeslot, it’s up to one heroic executive producer to justify his paycheck. Guest starring Tom Gammill as himself.
As Troy McClure (RIP) might say, “Wow!” Clearly, in the face of such brilliant storylines, our favorite family doesn’t deserve this persistent fan deathwatch which might affect the delicate balance between syndication profits and production costs. As Lionel Hutz (RIP) might say, “Nope!”
Yours,
Mr. Virgil Texas
Employee,
FOX
Lumber Transportation Concern
D*mn! Those are some good-ass sounding episodes if I do say so myself, which I just did. Say what you will about the show, but it can’t be denied that the quality is better right now than it has ever been before, and that trend will continue when these episodes make it to air, assuming all that Mayan invasion jazz doesn’t go down. Anyways if you’ve got a HOT TIP or two feel free to shoot me an electromail or send me a telegram. I promise you’ll have complete anonymity (for legal reasons I am obliged to tell you promises are not guarantees). Keep on watching the skies!