*spins around in chair to face reader* Oh, hello! I just got off the telegraph with a trusted, completely anonymous tipster, who resides at 271 Orange Grove Ave. in Burbank, CA, who has once again risked life and limb to bring us more EXCLUSIVE Simpsons tidbits that the shiftless layabouts at Entertainment Weekly still haven’t gotten their grubby meathooks on yet. Below, please find enclosed four exclusive, never-before-seen episode synopsi, reprinted in their entirety…
EXCLUSIVE: Simpsons Drama Bombshell! Matt Groening Returns to Show With MAJOR Changes in Store; All Secondary Characters To Be Killed Off?!?!
True Simpsons maniacs know that the show’s reclusive creator, Matt Groening, hasn’t been a part of the show since 1999, when he retreated to a yurt in central Oregon and cut off all ties with the outside world in a self-imposed exile. Well, apparently the Groenster has returned to the show, and he’s been making some MAJOR, DRASTIC CHANGES that will be hitting your TV screens in 2012.
I just received this e-mail from an anonymous Simpsons employee, literally less than 4 seconds ago. This brave insider has put his or her career on the line by breaking the terms of his or her non-disclosure agreement to tell us this EXCLUSIVE tale of behind-the-scenes turbulence and tyranny. I am republishing hir message in its entirety because it has to be seen to be believed…
EXCLUSIVE: Season 23 Preview!!!!!!!
We have a saying over here in the news-media industry: it goes “Thank God* For Press Releases” (*replace with your deity of choice). Reporting the news can be such a hard, thankless job – breaking scoops, raking muck, threatening informants with bodily harm until they squeal – that it’s always a pleasant surprise when a publicist sends us a press release that we can just republish in full and take the rest of the day off. So, from the bottom of my heart, and the hearts of everyone else covering the Simpsons beat, I just want to say “Thank You,” to the publicists of the world! You are what keeps us going.
Anyway, our star insider Virgil Texas over at Klasky-Csupo just faxed us over this EXCLUSIVE press release about the upcoming 23rd season of the Simpsons program. Wow! 23 seasons! It seems like only yesterday they were on Season 19. Let’s see what magic the writers have cooked up for us this time…
EXCLUSIVE: Even More Upcoming Season 22 Episodes!
As the Internet’s number-one premier source for Simpsons news & rumors, IN THE NEWS is proud to be on the receiving end of many a press release. Not to brag or anything, but unlike our so-called competition over at Simpsons Channel and Yahoo! TV Webportal, we are sometimes privy to EXCLUSIVE press releases sent directly from Simpsons HQ! Here’s one we got just the other day:
Despite what you may have heard, The “Simpsons,” America’s only TV family, is still going strong after all these years. Our ratings are as strong as they’ll ever be thanks to the credulity of loyal viewers like you. The crew here at News Corp has just put the finishing touches on the rest of Season 22, and we thought fans might be interested in a little sneak preview of what’s on tap.S-AOL, or the 120 Days of Modem
In a special trilogy of non-canon tech tales, Lisa gets trapped in a promotional ARG, Bart gets trapped in an arcade game, and Homer surfs the web — literally! He literally surfs the world wide web.
Salvia, or the 420 Days of So Dumb
In a special trilogy of non-canon drug diaries, Homer and Barney take a mescaline-fueled trip through the desert Southwest, in the process confronting the dark heart of the American dream; Bart and Milhouse overcome anti-yellow racism in their marijuana-fueled search for a Krusty Burger, in the process confronting the dark heart of the American dream; and Lisa embarks on an ecstacy-fueled picaresque set in late 80s Madchester, in the process confronting the dark heart of the British dream. Guest staring Morrissey.
Yellow, or the 120 Days of So-(Annoyed Grunt)
SEASON FINALE When Mayor Quimby, Reverend Lovejoy, President McBain and the Blue-Haired Lawyer kidnap several Springfield Elementary students and coerce them into committing degrading perversions that irreparably commidfy their sexual identities, it’s comes down to Bart and Lisa to concoct the perfect scheme to save the humanity of their peers and themselves. But first they’ll need some help. Lester and Eliza guest star.
Despite scheduling challenges from the NBA regular season and Bob’s Burgers, we are confident most, if not some, of these episodes will make it to air by the end of next year. And in case you were worried, we’ve got *plenty* more of the cutting and relevant Fox News jokes our truest fans have come to know and love.
Associate Intern, “The Simpsons”
“dont have a cow man! thank you to our brave soldiers serving overseas” – bart simpson
Simpsons insiders: send me all your exclusive Simpsons info, either by e-mail (email@example.com) or by leaving it in the dumpster behind Rug Trader at the corner of Pico and Sepulveda!!!
EXCLUSIVE: More Upcoming Season 22 Episodes!
Think Wikileaks is the only organization that can bust out top-secret information on the ‘net? Think again! Once again, a top-secret informant who works on the show has sent us some EXCLUSIVE information about upcoming Season 22 episodes. If these plots are any indication, it looks like we’re in for another “Golden Era”!
Here’s our tipster’s e-mail, reproduced in full:
here at Simpsons Studios we’ve just finished another batch of new episodes of america’s most popular tv show. here’s what’s on tap:Homer’s Earlier Work
After Homer’s old vlogcasts are lampooned by Daniel Tosh, he tells Bart and Lisa the story of his early Duff Blue Ribbon-fueled romance with Marge in the heady days of 2007 Williamsburg. Guest starring M.I.A., Avey Tare, Tao Lin, and Ryan Schreiber.
I Can’t Believe It’s a Bigger and Better Updated Unofficial Simpsons Glide
Jealous of Marge’s burgeoning gliding career, Homer buys a glider, much to the chagrin of Bart, whose own gliding ambitions have stalled. Meanwhile, Lisa finds herself in a predicament she can’t glide out of.
Speaker of the House John [Annoyed Grunt]-ner
Disgusted by Obama’s bear tax, Homer leads a one-man crusade to restore America to its former glory. Lisa breaks the news to Wendell about her powerful new beau. Guest starring Will Arnett, with Jon Stewart as Ignorant Man.
Things go smoothly when uptight Miss Hoover takes the helm of the Krusty Show… that is, until an in-your-face Carl Carlson joins the cast! Guest starring Paul Scheer as a Krustylu page.
Episode About The Internet Awkwardly Written By Aging Gen Xers (working title)
When the townspeople discover that Lisa is behind their unflattering Wikipedia pages, it’s a race against the clock as only one man can save Springfield from speedy deletion. Meanwhile, Bart tries to cash in on this meme craze, only to face some tough questions from Snowball II about the chicken nuggets. Guest starring Jimmy Wales.
as you can see we’ve got some great stuff coming up, and we need all the buzz we can get to keep the simpsons #1. also please note that most if not all of these episodes will be preempted by professional football and eventually played during summer 2013, if ever.
Remember, you can always send us your hot hot Simpsons info by e-mail (firstname.lastname@example.org), by Twitter (@rubbrcatsimp), or by fax (as soon as we get our fax machine working)! [Twitter.com/virgiltexas]
EXCLUSIVE: Upcoming Episodes for Season 22
A top-secret informant has come forward with the plots of several upcoming episodes that will air in the upcoming 22nd season:
The Maude Squad
Maude Flanders returns to Springfield through an emergency exit door in Heaven
My Son Is Also Named A-Bort-ion
An old flame leads Marge to make a shocking revelation. Meanwhile Homer is tricked into becoming a pissboy. Jon Lovitz reprises his role as Jay Sherman.
Now You See It, Now You Donut
A diet hypnotist makes Homer blind to fatty foods. Guest starring Mel Brooks and Rep. Joe Wilson.
Kenya Feel It?
At Grampa’s urging the Simpsons travel to Hawaii to find President’s birth certificate.
Lisa starts a successful web 2.0 startup only have her code stolen by Mark Zuckerberg. Homer constructs a tin roof. Guest starring Justin Long and Jon Hodgman, with Heidi Montag and Kim Kardashian as “shack sluts”
Feel free to send us your hot Simpsons tips by e-mail (email@example.com) or by Twitter (@rubbercatsimp). We take great pains to ensure the anonymity of our sources. [Twitter.com/virgiltexas]