True Simpsons maniacs know that the show’s reclusive creator, Matt Groening, hasn’t been a part of the show since 1999, when he retreated to a yurt in central Oregon and cut off all ties with the outside world in a self-imposed exile. Well, apparently the Groenster has returned to the show, and he’s been making some MAJOR, DRASTIC CHANGES that will be hitting your TV screens in 2012.
I just received this e-mail from an anonymous Simpsons employee, literally less than 4 seconds ago. This brave insider has put his or her career on the line by breaking the terms of his or her non-disclosure agreement to tell us this EXCLUSIVE tale of behind-the-scenes turbulence and tyranny. I am republishing hir message in its entirety because it has to be seen to be believed…
There’s a lot of turbulence over at Simpsons HQ, as the recent row over the show’s contractual future has encouraged Our Creator Matt Groening to return to personally overseeing the show’s production. Not only is he spearheading the reversion to hand-drawn Ullman-era animation, but he has also ordered that we no longer broadcast in HD “because it looks like horseshit” and that we drop the extended intro sequence. He insists that these changes will appeal to hardcore fans of his style and ensure that the show will profitable for decades to come.
In the most troubling development, Mr. Groening has also assumed total control over the show’s writing process. Matt Groening has, to put it diplomatically, a very idiosyncratic idea of humor. He is refocusing the show back onto its core characters and initial concept of the trials and tribulations of a dysfunctional lower middle class American family. To punctuate this change, most of Springfield’s beloved secondary characters will be killed off later this season in an episode where Reagan’s “Star Wars” missile defense system levels the city as part of a genocide against leftists. When Mike Scully pointed out that Star Wars was never completed and Reagan had died years ago, Groening fired him for being “a tea party jackboot like that fascist Schwartzwelder.”
Here are the first four episodes slated to air in 2012, all written by Matt Groening:
HOMARLES IN MARGE
When Marge’s alcoholism spirals out of control, Homer steps into her role as the responsible parent. But is he prepared to cure Maggie’s self-mutilation habit before it’s too late? Guest starring Lynda Barry.
OILS WELL THAT ENDS WELL
When Homer is unable to purchase a turkey for Thanksgiving, the Simpsons instead spend their holiday protesting the Persian Gulf War. Guest starring Al Brooks as Secretary of State Jim Baker.
IT’S MY STRIFE AND IT’S MY LIFE
Bart refuses to accept his own mortality and decides to rebel against the inexorable death of his identity; Lisa believes that a heroin addiction will aid her jazz career.
(ANNOYED GRUNT) EXIT
Homer directly confronts the grim hopelessness of the human condition in a Godless universe via a 23-minute-long dialogue with a one-eared bunny who may or may not be a figment of his subconscious. Guest starring Paula Poundstone.
Please, please, please help us send Mr. Groening back to his secluded cabin in Portland. We on the production staff are all genuinely frightened of him and are powerless to stop him due to bar napkin contracts he signed in 1987. According to FOX legal policy, these contracts are legitimate. We have thus far been unable to contact James L. Brooks. None of his friends or family know his whereabouts, and we fear him to be long dead. We even tried luring Mr. Groening onto “Portlandia,” a show that seems better suited to his comic sensibilities, but this effort failed as we had forgotten that Bill Oakley, a producer on that show, has been feuding with Groening for years over a blintzes/fence-painting deal gone sour.
We need loyal fans like you to speak out against these crushing changes to our beloved show. Imagine a Simpsons without weekly billboard and flyby gags or crisp, uniform animation. A horrifying thought indeed.
(ANONYMOUS SIMPSONS EMPLOYEE)
~~ “Do you think our love can make miracles?” – Ryan Gosling, “The Notebook” ~~
Well, there you have it folks. Call your congresscritter, alert the feds, tweet your barber – do anything you can to help Simpsons staff members depose of this self-imposed despot. A hearty thanks to this anonymous insider for alerting us to these troubling developments. We will keep you updated on this story as it develops…