MEANINGLESS MILESTONES, SCULLY DUGGERY

scullyThe Hollywood Reporter did a big cover story about The Simpsons in honor its meaningless milestone of having churned out a certain number of product. Former showrunner Mike Scully used the occasion to share his death wish with the nation:

“I think the show will outlive all of us,” says former producer Mike Scully. “Nothing would make me happier than some episode in the future to end with a title card that reads, ‘In memory of Mike Scully.'”

Yup, Mike Scully wants to die. Nothing would make him happier. There is no other way to interpret that quote. After years of death threats from Simpsons nerds, it seems Scully has decided to embrace the icy hand of death.

The rest of the article is mostly just a rehash of the same stories they’ve been telling for years in interviews and audio commentaries (did you know Michael Jackson didn’t do his own singing???), but nonetheless there’s a few interesting tidbits I haven’t heard elsewhere, if you use a charitable interpretation of “interesting.”

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ANNOYED GRUNTS

rag timeAfter failing to come up with any new ideas for Simpsons episodes, the writers decided to call it quits and throw in the towel… then, as they gazed upon the towel they threw, suddenly became struck with inspiration and wrote a whole episode around it. At least, that’s how I imagine this rag episode came about.

I didn’t see it, but I read the Wikisimpsons article about it, which is chock full of insane plot details like “Moe is part yeti,” “Moe has a magical talking bar rag from the Middle Ages voiced by Jeremy Irons,” “Milhouse’s mom chokes on a rock and refuses the Heimlich maneuver,” and “Moe is part yeti.”

Judging from the feedback on the internet, “the rag episode” represents yet another low point for the series, like jockey gnomes, “the Israel episode,” and whatever that Ke$ha thing was.

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GROEN DRAIN, SPRINGFIELD SHOPPER

matt groening dollSimpson creator Matt Groening went to Egypt to check out the pyramid and he foolishly ignored all the hieroglyphic warnings and trespassed into the forbidden zone when all of a sudden The Mummy appeared and cast a big curse on him. As karmic retribution for all his brazen merchandising and capitalist crimes, Mr. Groening was turned into a piece of merchandise himself, how ironic. Now he is no longer human, he is just a doll and can’t do human things anymore, rip.

OK but seriously now, for just fifty American dollars you can buy a toy version of the guy whose signature appears on all your other Simpsons toys. Here’s what the solicitation says:

Created by legendary “Life is Hell” cartoonist Matt Groening, THE SIMPSONS is celebrating its 500th episode in February 2012, and Kidrobot is honoring the father of primetime animation in the only way we know how – making him into a 6-inch vinyl toy! Complete with goatee and glasses, director’s jacket, and pad and pencil accessories, it is the first EVER Simpsons Matt Groening toy.

Essentially, if you cut out the middlemen, you can pay a guy money and he will give you a doll version of himself. This is so weird and messed up that I needed to lie down to fully contemplate the many levels of Meta this object encapsulates.

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TOON BEAT

adult swim logoFox hired a guy from Adult Swim to find out how to better compete with Adult Swim and his solution was for Fox to make their own Adult Swim. Brilliant! The two hour programming block will air on Saturdays at 11pm starting next year.

Basically, they’re grabbing up all the “edgy” cartoons they don’t have room for on Sunday nights (which I will henceforth refer to as “Animation Domination Prime”) and dumping them on Saturday nights, formerly the home of MADtv, Wanda Sykes’s late-night talk show, and the remaining episodes of Sit Down, Shut Up they were contractually obligated to air. Nobody knows what’s on there now. The audience for this thing will primarily consist of Adult Swim viewers who forgot Saturdays are when Adult Swim airs The Animes.

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COMING ATTRACTIONS

p>Fox is always looking for new ways to encourage people to kill themselves. With their plans for an all-Simpsons channel having failed to materialize, it looked like their attempts to integrate The Simpsons into their master plan were dead on arrival.

Luckily, the Guinness Book of World Records stepped up to the plate and came up with a brilliant scheme that protects Fox from any liability: locking a bunch of people in a room and forcing them to watch all 500 episodes of The Simpsons, including the 300 or so that comprise The Bad Seasons. Whoever is still alive at the end of this charade will obtain 10,500 US dollars in hush money.

Here is the press release:

In celebration of THE Simpsons’ historic 500th episode milestone, FOX invites fans of the iconic animated series to participate in THE Simpsons Ultimate Fan Marathon Challenge at Hollywood & Highland in Los Angeles. Beginning on Wednesday, Feb. 8, fans will come together to watch up to 500 continuous episodes of THE Simpsons in an attempt to break the current Guinness World Record of 86 hours, 6 minutes and 41 seconds for the longest continuous television viewing. The contest winner will take home a $10,500 prize and an array of THE Simpsonsmerchandise, including products exclusively designed to commemorate the 500th episode.

Remember when world records used to involve actually building or doing something, instead of just sitting in front of a TV? Yeah, me neither. Anyway, this sounds like the perfect way to kill yourself if you’re feeling depressed the week before Valentine’s Day – no muss, no fuss, a bunch of handy witnesses nearby. Fair warning: the last thing you see might be Grampa marrying Aunt Selma.

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GROEN DRAIN

The National, an English-language newspaper in the United Arab Emirates, called Simpsons creator Matt Groening “one weird creature” for no apparent reason.

THE BASICS, PART ONE The Simpsons is the longest-running scripted show in television history – and a cultural phenomenon that is recognised the world over. Its creator, the cartoonist Matt Groening, is one weird creature.

What a baffling little statement. There’s no elaboration or explanation whatsoever. “Weird,” okay, I can buy that. But “creature?” Like he’s a jolly little gnome-person or something? And this is supposed one of the basic facts one should know about The Simpsons?

Perhaps The National should change its name to “The Irrational.” corny

[The National]

YEAR-END FILLER MATERIAL

Well here we are at the end of yet another year, and The Simpsons is still on the air, and will remain so for the forseeable future. Here are the top twenty Simpsons-related stories of the year, as reported by IN THE NEWS, considered by some to be the very best, most intrepid Simpsons news source in the known universe….

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ANNOYED GRUNTS, MEANINGLESS MILESTONES

Twenty-two years ago today, America got its first taste of The Simpsons stretched out to 22 minutes with the premiere of the show’s Christmas special, “Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire.”

I was going to post some reviews from the time, but the only one I could find (that wasn’t behind a paywall) was this one from Pittsburgh Post-Gazette:

The Simpsons is supposed to be hip in a post-industrial sort of way. It is not particularly funny, and is likely to appeal most to fans of the 'eat their young' school of contemporary comedy, which believes in nothing that doesn't ooze with sarcasm toward the mainstream. In other words, The Simpsons is not for everyone. It is definitely an acquired taste. I'm just not sure I want to acquire it.

A mighty Simpsons Day to you all.

TOON BEAT

family guyHoly crap, Lois! Remember the time when Family Guy writer Patrick Meighan got sent to the slammer for the heinous crime of occupying Los Angeles? What the deuce??? He set up a blog to share his ordeal.

I unlinked my arms voluntarily and informed the LAPD officers that I would go peacefully and cooperatively. I stood as instructed, and then I had my arms wrenched behind my back, and an officer hyperextended my wrists into my inner arms. It was super violent, it hurt really really bad, and he was doing it on purpose. When I involuntarily recoiled from the pain, the LAPD officer threw me face-first to the pavement. He had my hands behind my back, so I landed right on my face. The officer dropped with his knee on my back and ground my face into the pavement. It really, really hurt and my face started bleeding and I was very scared. I begged for mercy and I promised that I was honestly not resisting and would not resist.

With us Occupy LA protestors, however, they set bail at $5,000 and booked us into jail. Almost none of the protesters could afford to bail themselves out. I’m lucky and I could afford it, except the LAPD spent all day refusing to actually *accept* the bail they set. If you were an accused murderer or a rapist in LAPD custody that day, you could bail yourself right out and be back on the street, no problem. But if you were a nonviolent Occupy LA protestor with bail money in hand, you were held long into the following morning, with absolutely no access to a lawyer.

I guess you could say it was the opposite of “freakin’ sweet.” Giggity giggity goo, damn you vile woman, etc.

[My Occupy LA Arrest, by Patrick Meighan via AMERICAblog]

THE INSIDE SCOOP

!!!!!True Simpsons maniacs know that the show’s reclusive creator, Matt Groening, hasn’t been a part of the show since 1999, when he retreated to a yurt in central Oregon and cut off all ties with the outside world in a self-imposed exile. Well, apparently the Groenster has returned to the show, and he’s been making some MAJOR, DRASTIC CHANGES that will be hitting your TV screens in 2012.

I just received this e-mail from an anonymous Simpsons employee, literally less than 4 seconds ago. This brave insider has put his or her career on the line by breaking the terms of his or her non-disclosure agreement to tell us this EXCLUSIVE tale of behind-the-scenes turbulence and tyranny. I am republishing hir message in its entirety because it has to be seen to be believed…

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