The dead have risen, and they’re voting Republican… or are they? Pennsylvanian patriot Bruce Bartman got in trouble, yeah, pretty deep, for the simple crime of committing voter fraud by impersonating his dead mother so he could vote for President Trump twice, an act which should henceforth be known as “doing the Bartman.”
Here’s what’s happened, dude, according to Deep State mouthpiece The Philadelphia Inquirer:
Bartman used his mother’s driver’s license to register her to vote online, and then requested and filled out an absentee ballot in her name, Stollsteimer said. He repeated the process for Weihman, his mother-in-law, using her Social Security number. The state’s system flagged the information as belonging to a dead person, but Bartman signed a letter confirming the woman was still alive.
He did not, however, cast a ballot in Weihman’s name, according to prosecutors.
Bartman is out on bail and his lawyer says he’ll cooperate with the authorities, who claim he did it, people saw him do it, and that they can prove everything, in what could be a massive blow to Trump’s re-election chances. Anyone with a notion to do the Bartman, perhaps in a rock-like motion, should heed this warning, or they too could end up in deep, deep trouble.
The IN THE NEWS Decision Desk projects that Diamond Joe Biden will win the election and become America’s Dictator, barring any last-minute chicanery from forces loyal to the embattled President Trump. Over on Twitter, Simpsons staff members are giddy with delight, including executive producer James L. Brooks, who had some… interesting thoughts regarding that gorgeous babe we call democracy. However, they may soon rue the day Biden staggers across the finish line once they realize they could be locked out of the Emmy Awards for another presidential term.
Back in 2014, IN THE NEWS posited a theory behind the show’s conspicuous lack of Emmy wins during the Obama Administration:
Of course, there may be another reason for the show’s recent Emmy drought. Their last win in the Animated Program category was for “Eternal Moonshine of the Simpson Mind” in 2008, the last year of the Bush Administration. Could President Obama be behind this…?
Malarkey, you say? The Simpsons’ Emmy drought would continue until the episode “Mad About the Toy” won in 2019, which, according to Google, was when Donald Trump was president, giving credence to the theory.
The Biden campaign pitched his regime as a return to the Obama years. Undoubtedly that will involve bone-crushing austerity, but will it include Obama’s unprecedented blockade of The Simpsons’ rightfully-deserved Emmy Awards? In Biden’s own words: “nothing would fundamentally change.”
As you may have heard, there is an election going on right now. Across social media, people are speculating which TV characters voted for President Trump. As a person with both an extensive knowledge of The Simpsons and a degree in Wonk Science, I am uniquely suited to set the record straight on which Simpsons characters definitely, absolutely voted for Donald Trump in the 2016 election.
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Like Ms. O’Donnell, Lisa has dabbled in witchcraft and lied about her college attendance.
Nobody really likes either politician, but they can manage to hold on to their jobs as long as they’re up against really polarizing candidates, like homicidal maniac Sideshow Bob or Tea Party weirdo Sharron Angle.
The tough-guy candidate threatened to “take out” a reporter, and wielded a baseball bat like a crazy man during his bizarre concession speech. Now, for legal reasons, I’m not saying Paldino is part of the mob, but he seems to be channeling Springfield mafioso Fat Tony.
Nevada reporters tried to get Angle to answer questions, but she remained stubbornly silent, much like the perpetually binkied Simpson baby. Also, both appear to be in favor of exercising “Second Amendment remedies.”
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In last Sunday’s “Treehouse of Horror” episode, fictional school bully and noted haw-hawer Nelson Muntz called a giant pumpkin “super gay,” a homophobic slur that has a national gay organization all a-twitter.
The Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network (GLSEN), a non-fictional organization that focuses on facilitating positive social change in schools, sent the following statement to celebrity-stalking megablog TMZ:
Nelson’s use of ‘that’s so gay’ in a negative way is not surprising considering that 90 percent of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender youth say they hear the term used this way frequently or often at school. Nelson should visit ThinkB4YouSpeak.com where he can send an apologetic e-card to Milhouse. GLSEN would also welcome Nelson’s participation in our next PSA so he can make amends by helping to educate young people about why such language is wrong.
Technically Nelson said, “The Grand Pumpkin’s super gay,” and it was directed at the Grand Pumpkin, not Milhouse, but who cares? I’m just glad GLSEN found the time to follow in the grand footsteps of Dan Quayle and complain about a fictional TV character instead of, I don’t know, maybe fighting to keep same-sex marriage legal in California? [TMZ]
In the opening of the upcoming annual “Treehouse of Horror” episode, Homer attempts to vote for Barack Obama, remarking that “it’s time for change,” but his EVIL ELECTRONIC VOTING MACHINE marks it as a vote for John McCain. A scuffle ensues, and the machine ends up killing him. (SPOILER ALERT: The previous two sentences may have contained spoilers).
In an eerie parallel, Al Jean has entered his eighth consecutive season of running the show, more than any other showrunner’s “term of office” in the show’s history. If his two years co-running the show with Mike Reiss during seasons 3 and 4 are taken into account, Jean will have been a showrunner for half the show’s run by the end of this season. Is it time for change? Even Homer thinks so. [Wonkette]
Have you ever wondered what Senator Chris Dodd (D-CT), Democratic presidential candidate, would look like if he was a Simpsons character? Yeah, me neither, but here it is anyway. [MySpace via Wonkette]