merchandise

GROEN DRAIN, SPRINGFIELD SHOPPER

matt groening dollSimpson creator Matt Groening went to Egypt to check out the pyramid and he foolishly ignored all the hieroglyphic warnings and trespassed into the forbidden zone when all of a sudden The Mummy appeared and cast a big curse on him. As karmic retribution for all his brazen merchandising and capitalist crimes, Mr. Groening was turned into a piece of merchandise himself, how ironic. Now he is no longer human, he is just a doll and can’t do human things anymore, rip.

OK but seriously now, for just fifty American dollars you can buy a toy version of the guy whose signature appears on all your other Simpsons toys. Here’s what the solicitation says:

Created by legendary “Life is Hell” cartoonist Matt Groening, THE SIMPSONS is celebrating its 500th episode in February 2012, and Kidrobot is honoring the father of primetime animation in the only way we know how – making him into a 6-inch vinyl toy! Complete with goatee and glasses, director’s jacket, and pad and pencil accessories, it is the first EVER Simpsons Matt Groening toy.

Essentially, if you cut out the middlemen, you can pay a guy money and he will give you a doll version of himself. This is so weird and messed up that I needed to lie down to fully contemplate the many levels of Meta this object encapsulates.

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GROEN DRAIN

life in hell shirt
Close-up via NUMBER 3

Yes, it’s true. For the first time ever, you will be able to buy t-shirts with Matt Groening characters on them.

How did we get here? For decades, Groening has been adamant in his refusal to merchandise his highly popular creations (outside of book collections and DVD releases). He has rejected countless offers to license his characters, turning down billions of dollars in the process. After spending years battling his syndicate, he announced his decision to end his long-running comic strip Life in Hell in 1995. Pent-up demand for officially licensed Simpsons merchandise lead to a boom in bootleg car decals featuring Bart Simpson urinating on various logos, which is now a million-dollar industry despite its questionable legality. The ever-reclusive cartoonist has made virtually no public appearances since the famous incident at the Fox network upfront presentations in 1998, when he declared money to be the root of all evil and ran out the auditorium during the announcement of Futurama.

His anti-commercial martyrdom took its toll on his personal life. After his divorce in 1999, Groening retreated to a yurt in central Oregon and cut off all ties with his close friends, including Lynda Barry, creator of the mega-popular Fox sitcom Marly’s, and Gary Panter, who took over Peanuts in 2000. After seven years in isolation, Groening re-emerged with The Mean Little Kids, a dense 16 x 21 inch 20,000-page graphic novel that bankrupted its publisher, Buenaventura Press, upon its release.

So what changed his mind? “Well, I had a lot of time to think about it,” he told The New Yorker. “I figure a few pieces of merchandise here and there couldn’t hurt, as long as I oversee all aspects of their production and donate the profits to charity. I want my signature to become synonymous with high quality and social responsibility.”

The “PLAY IN HELL” series of T-shirts will be available in Comme de Garcons stores starting next week. [On the Runway]

NEWS CORP. NEWS

homer screamShocking news from AOL’s DailyFinance… terrorists are infiltrating beloved national conglomerates and using them to fund terrorists… even News Corp., parent company of Fox News and The Simpsons has fallen prey to their wily schemes… it’s too late to stop it… they’re already here…

For example, News Corp.’s second-largest shareholder, after the Murdoch family, is Prince Alwaleed bin Talal (pictured at left, and above right), the nephew of Saudi Arabian King Abdullah, and one of the world’s richest men.

Through his Kingdom Holding Co., Alwaleed owns about 7% of News Corp., or about $3 billion of the media giant.

Saudi Arabia, which is ruled by Alwaleed’s uncle King Abdullah, is, of course, an authoritarian petro-monarchy that actually is governed by Sharia law and is known as one of the top global sponsors of terrorism. A spokesperson for the Saudi embassy in Washington says that while Alwaleed is part of the royal family, he isn’t a member of the government, but rather a private citizen.

Could this so-called media mogul be lining his coffers with the profits from Simpsons merchandise, and then giving that money to his terrorist pals??? It’s not unpossible and we can’t take any chances.

It’s time to strike back. Nielsen families, stop watching The Simpsons. Internet video-watchers, stop watching The Simpsons on Hulu. Stop purchasing products advertised during The Simpsons. Next time you’re at the store, walk right past the aisle filled with Krusty alarm clocks and Maggie plush dolls, don’t even look at the Simpsons fruit snacks: they’re not worth the risk. No more Homer t-shirts, no more Simpsons DVDs, no more Milhouse asthma inhalers. Do your patriotic duty: buy bootleg Black Bart Simpson t-shirts at swap meets. We will not vanish without a fight! We’re going to live on! We’re going to survive! Today we celebrate our Independence Day! [DailyFinance via AlterNet]

TREEHOUSE OF ERROR

In a quick review of “The Simpsons Handbook,” a how-to-draw Simpsons book that came out earlier this year, The Courier-Journal identifies the authors as voice actresses “Doris Grau and Marcia Mitzman Gaven.” One problem: Grau, voice of Lunchlady Doris, died in 1995.

To be fair, Amazon lists them as the authors as well. [courier-journal.com]

SPRINGFIELD SHOPPER

Better invest in News Corp. stock now!

Featuring arguably the most popular sitcom family in history, “The Simpsons” revolutionized not only the TV industry but also the TV licensing biz, with a wealth of quirky characters that have translated into a multibillion-dollar merchandising franchise.

To date, Bart, Homer, Marge, Lisa, Maggie and their Springfield neighbors have appeared on everything from T’s to pinball machines, raking in more than $5 billion worldwide. All told, the program involves more than 600 licensees.

[Variety]

SPRINGFIELD SHOPPER

If all goes as planned, the convenience store chain plans to refit 11 stores across the U.S. — Richmond is an unlikely choice — to resemble the front of the Kwik-E-Mart, the convenience store that Homer and other characters frequent in the classic cartoon TV series.

Customers also will be able to buy products inspired by the nearly two-decades-old show, including KrustyO’s cereal, Buzz Cola and iced Squishees (the cup says Squishee, but the contents will be Slurpee).

Here’s the best quote:

Spokeswoman Margaret Chabris said contracts on the promotions have not been signed with movie studios. She didn’t give any further details, saying the company will release more information in coming weeks.

“We’ve done research, and research shows us that our customers like . . . movies, so we’re getting involved with some major studios on some of their properties this summer,” she said.

Wow 7-11 has a crack research department [Richmond Times-Dispatch]

PANEL PIECES

  • Jon Bon Jovi was going to guest star, but he backed out because “the writers had his character covered with melted cheese at one point and insult Richie Sambora at another point in the script.”
  • The Beatles don’t like talking about The Beatles.
  • Matt Groening authorized a Bart Simpson asthma inhaler.
  • Executive Producer Tim Long: “America doesn’t love Gil.” So why would you base an entire episode around him?

[Zap2it]